To Speak or To Die: Why Immanuel Kant Would Want You to Tell Them You Love Them

Writer: Angelica Marin ‘27

Editor: Angelica Marin

Immanuel Kant’s moral pillars are some of the most well-known in the philosophical world. His works consistently emphasize the importance of intention. When drawing up examples of situations that will always require considering intention over consequence, the first that comes to mind is professing unrequited love.

Let’s say you have a great friend; one day, they profess their love to you. If you love them back, you may be excited. If you don’t, you may be a little weirded out or even totally averse to their friendship forever because of it. While the consequences did not work out in your friend’s favor, the intention of getting such a secret off their chest was fulfilled, and this friend is still benefiting from the action, whether the love is requited or not. Kant emphasizes the intention of actions over consequences, a belief that can be used to console unrequited lovers, both real and fictional. 

Kant’s Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysics of Morals was, and still is, a revolutionary piece of ethical writing. In this piece, Kant establishes the ever-relevant concept of “goodwill,” or the innate goodness within humans. He believes that while “intelligence, wit, judgment, and the other talents of the mind” are valuable and worth acknowledging, they mean very little “if the will which is to make use of them, and which, therefore, constitutes what is called character, is not good” (Kant 191). He places immense importance on the values that guide action, whether it be the simple choice to say a particular word or a more complicated one, such as marrying your partner or ending a friendship. Kant goes on to elaborate on this point, doing so through the lens of moral duty. Kant believes that any action made out of duty, rather than just in accordance with duty, is a moral act. In plain language, this means that if we feel obligated to say or do something, the consequences, while unpredictable, are much less relevant to the need we have to say what we must. 

In one of my favorite films, Call Me By Your Name, the main character’s parents are consoling their son after a heartbreak, reading a story to him in German. His mother is reading out loud to him when the protagonist of the story asks the woman he is secretly in love with, “Is it better to speak or to die?” (Call Me By Your Name 43:46-44:18). Each of us has our own answers, but to Kant, there is no question about it. Regardless of how something may turn out, no matter who might reject you or what humiliation you may face, if you feel an obligation to speak, you must speak. 

When I was sixteen, I had a life-ruining crush on my best friend. It started small and harmless, but after a few months, it was all I could think about. Honestly, I was in agony. It was the Fourth of July when I realized I had to tell him. I was leaving on a trip for three weeks the following day, and decided that it was now or never. I assumed the feelings weren’t mutual, but I had so much hope they might be, hence why it took me months to gather the courage to say it out loud. I spent hours poring over the possible outcomes, the ridicule I’d face, the people who would find out. I was worried I might make him uncomfortable, but I had reached a point where I couldn’t hold it in for much longer. At times, it felt like I might implode with the weight of the secret. When I finally told him, he was kind and understanding, but did not feel the same way about me. We both knew we could no longer be friends. That remains true to this day. 

Strangely enough, even in the face of my first romantic rejection, I felt lighter. I had gotten something off of my chest and had done so bravely, even though I knew it likely would not work in my favor. While this may not be the most common depiction of unrequited love, this kind of interaction plays out all the time. First, with Elio and Oliver in Call Me By Your Name. Elio speaks rather than dying, and while his romance with Oliver is short-lived, he gains an immensely valuable experience that teaches him about adult love. In Love Actually, Mark confesses his love to Juliet, even though she is married to his best friend. He never ends up with Juliet, but leaves feeling lighter, just like I did. In Little Women, Laurie performs a speech for Jo where he begs her to love him, and when she can’t, it doesn’t kill him. It gives him the space to move forward. While rejection can be crushing and bad outcomes are frightening, nothing is more healing than knowing you did right by yourself.

Kant’s philosophies place the utmost significance on intention, helping heartbroken lovers find solace in their choices. While antiquated philosophers rarely find their way into our daily lives, we can use Kant’s philosophy to help us understand why some choices are necessary, even in romance. Moral judgments are often based on outcome, but by keeping the ideas of philosophers like Kant in mind, we can find comfort in the risks we take and the choices we make to do good for ourselves. 

Works Cited: 

Guadagnino, Luca, director. Call Me by Your Name. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2017. 

Kant, Immanuel. “Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysics of Morals .” Ethics The Essential

Writings, Random House, New York, NY, 2010, pp. 188–224.